Not Juliet
The leaves were falling down like rain. They were silently kissing the grass, covering the trails of footprints of two people that meandered to a secluded place. They sat amidst the cherry blossoms as sunbeams trickled between the shades; it was casting a glorious glow as it lines the air with suspended golden rays. She shields her eyes for a few seconds as she catches the sun, blinded for a moment. She blinked until her vision was clear, finally regaining the image of the man whose heart she besotted. His eyes were smiling, and she was too. It was an efficient disguise to what she really felt at that moment. He brushed her hair away from her face and she wanted to fall in his arms. But she can’t… she never belonged there. He has found true love he said…. and she knew it wasn’t her. She heard it from the people they knew. They said the girl was absolutely stunning, almost like an angel with golden locks and blue eyes. Hers was a boring black and so were her eyes. Now, more than ever, she would die for any other color, anything but black. She was nothing but a Plain Jane, and Plain Janes are not meant to have fairytale endings. In between her thoughts, she heard him say her name and it made him smile even more. She recognized that smile, as her own, whenever she would hear his name. It was the same one that graced her lips when he was with her and when he kisses her goodbye on the cheek. She has always wanted to be his Princess and dreamed to be rescued from her loneliness. Like most girls, maybe of more tender age, she wants to be whisked away in a castle in the middle of a magical forest.
The clock ticked away with him speaking of this girl with so much love that her heart wanted to wail in pain. It was half past nine when he finally found track of time. The clouds were gathering and it was low and grey, much as her disposition that time. They decided to head back home knowing that rain is just around the corner. He held her by the hand and she could feel his warmth, but this time it was not enough to lift her spirit. She really wanted to be happy for him, now that her best friend found the love of his life. But how could she be, when she knows that any chance of him realizing that she is his Juliet is forever lost. Together they stride downhill as the whispering thunders roll in the sky. He walked her to her doorstep and hugged her like he usually does before waving goodbye. She watched him run home as it began to drizzle. When he vanished from the horizon she went to her room and sat by the window. She watched the rain lap against her window pane as the wind made the leaves sway. It was a lovely sight meant for greeting cards, the smell of her rain filled the air as the tears filled her eyes. She looked at her bookshelf, the same one she had when she was still a child. She had kept all her favorite fairytale books, her mother has always made her believe that “happy endings” are not bound merely in children books. For all her life, she believed and clung on to her mother’s words. Who was she kidding, believing in stories that were products of someones’ overactive imagination. Her life is not meant for a happy ever after and her beloved Prince will only be, a once upon a time ago.
April 22, 2009
Her name
She goes back and forth in the corner of her mind
Back to that night when “the end” began
She knew she should have seen it coming
It was the first time he mentioned her name
Yet it seemed so familiar in a way
Like she’s heard it a thousand times before
If only she listened to the beating of his heart
Her name echoes in the four corners of their room
In the form of resounding silence between two people
Of two hands that hasn’t held each other in ages
Who could have known she knew her name all along
Falling Out
There are just a few steps between you and me
Across this darkened room
Six, if my memory serves me right
Corresponding to miles of indifference and pain
Sitting here it feels like there is a barricade
One too high for me to reach
Built right within our midst
A wall so thick, you can’t hear my heart’s whisper
The only thing audible is the deafening stillness
A million things said and yet no words spoken
Evincing that silence speaks a thousand words
One look in your eyes and I knew
Goodbye is about to say hello
And you shall leave me with just your imprints in my heart.
Death Becomes Her
Like a child letting go of her balloon
I untangle my fingers from yours
I feel the walls of familiarity crash down
I no longer know of life without your smile
I stride leisurely, fearful of my own heart
Its shards can be ruthless
It has slain my soul over a hundred times
My chest the burial ground
My eyes the viewing window of the sarcophagus.
2008
28th of December, it reads, as I look at the calendar
The feeling in the air is a far cry from what one should be feeling
In this season of love, joy, giving and forgiveness
Perhaps it’s because I loved too much, it cost my own joy
Gave too much that it’s beyond forgiving.
He has taken away the only world I knew
The moment he walked out the door, that day before Christmas
Now, what would the shedding of the last calendar page mean?
Would this be a year I would just chose to just forget
12 months I should just brush off my memory
A partial amnesia to help me throttle to the next year
As if you were never a part of my 2008.
Secret Garden
Weep not for a love that is lost
The love may have passed
But the memories will live on
Hold on not to the pain and sadness
But to the joy that once filled your heart
Let not the pain remain in your soul
Every throb it brings will just be reliving
Loves death and the sad reality
The world continues to revolve
It does not stop for a broken heart
Pick up the pieces of yourself
Let this day be your heart’s rebirth
Now you’re free from love that hurts
Love may have died but it leaves a legacy
One that will last forever
Let it live within your heart
May the bittersweet feeling it brings
Take you back to a place of comfort
One which you can revisit
Like your own little secret garden.
Letting Go of Holding On
I will let go now….
I see things will never be
Like it used to be
I’d rather leave now
While my heart
Isn’t poisoned by odium
While the memories
Still leaves me
With a feeling
Of diminutive happiness
I want to remember you
For the man you were
When you still loved me
Or did you ever?
I guess I will never know
You will never say
You will continue to pull away
Cutting all the ties that binds us
For all these reasons and more
I know it’s only right
To allow depart
Yes, I will.
I should.
I can let go now.
Canvas
I left for a day
I wonder if you noticed,
I was not there.
Tired of running in circles
Playing your riddles,
I’m not good in reading between your lines.
I give up.
A stunted love
One that I may have just imagined
That was there
But was not
But this was something
You first painted
My heart, your canvas
Your paint invisible.
Gravity
I’ve never had you,
But I’m going to let go.
Step down from my dream cloud,
Head back down to Earth.
Let my feet touch the ground
And find equilibrium.
It’s been a while,
Since I’ve come back down.
You made it so easy, to float,
In my thoughts
In my dreams.
Away from the truth.
I forgot how painful it can be.
But I’ll hurt myself now
before you hurt me.
I will let the subtle grace of gravity
pull me down.
Away from you.
Away from wishful thinking.
I should snap back to reality.
But how can I let go?
You were never mine.
Never was.
Never will be.
Maybe I should leave it all up
…..to gravity.
Unpretentious
I want to settle for friendship
But my heart doesn’t want to
I want to forget about it
And just get over you
I want to wake up from the dream
And live my life in reality
I want to stop the pain
And find he wounds remedy
I want to stop loving you
And just be your friend
I want to say “I don’t love you anymore”
But my heart finds it hard to pretend
This Man I Love
This man I love he doesn’t love me
This man I love he couldn’t see
This man I love he hurt me so
This man I love wants me to let go
This man I love he’s my friend
This man I love knows even if I pretend
This man I love he said we cannot be
This man I love said “you’re just a friend to me”
This man I love he just broke my heart
This man I love he tore my dreams apart
This man I love I don’t love him anymore
Because, this man I love wants me to love him no more.
Any Other Fool
Any other fool will cry
When their heart breaks in two
Any other fool will find it hard to say
“Farewell, I bid you adieu”
Any other fool will be sad
When all the dreams have died
Any other fool would know
The tears are better kept inside
Any other fool would notice
The love you couldn’t see
Any other fool would’ve let go
Any other fool, but me.
I’ll Walk Away
I guess I’ll just walk away
Because I really don’t have the right to stay
I know you love me not more than a friend
And that’s how it’s going to be ‘til the end
I’ll walk away so my heart won’t feel the pain anymore
So I’ll turn the knob and walk out your door
You see, there’s really no reason for me to stay
Because your heart belongs to someone else anyway
To a Broken Hearted
Don’t worry; you are not alone in this world
My heart like yours was broken too
I remember it wasn’t that long ago
When the man I loved broke it on two
At first I felt lie I would die
And I thought I will not be able to move on
But after some time had passed me by
I realized the pain somehow was gone
Now the wounds he created are already healing
But back then, juts like you, I thought they will never mend
Right now it may be hard for you to believe me
But you’ll find out it’s true in the end
For now you will find it impossible to forget
But after some time your heart will learn to let go
You might think you will never get over him
But you will someday, I know.
The Erasure
“Once in a girl’s life, some boy would come and steal her heart, leaving her in the end….wounded, battered, shattered and broken.”
Many times I’ve dreamed of you. Yet I know that my dream could never come true. You love someone else and that’s the reason why all I could do is dream. You’re the man I love, the same man who has hurt me for the reason that you could never love me. By that mere fact, I’m feeling such a stinging pain in my heart that I know would never subside, not until my love for you dies.
I loved you right from the start. So much, that it hurts me. Did I cry for you? In fact every night, but you don’t know you could not see; you shouldn’t. You don’t even care that I exist. When you cried wasn’t I there to wipe the tears away. When you felt down, wasn’t I there beside you to bring you up. You gave me so many memories and most of them bring me pain, but it doesn’t matter. They are well remembered, taken cared of, well kept inside my diary, inside my heart.
My friends they all tell me that I should forget you but how could I not remember? So many times I’ve tried to deny the love but I end up hurting myself more because it hurts so much to pretend that you are just a friend to me. Yes you are my friend, my best friend, but how could you break my heart like this. For three years you hurt me, unknowingly, you hurt me terribly. You never knew how much I love you so why would you care at all.
I no more expect that you love me in return. I no more hope that you could see me more than a friend. I’m through with wishing stars, because my wish never came true. If it did, then I’d be smiling, not crying. I know I deserve to be happy. Don’t I? But I know I could not get that from you, not now when all you’re giving me is pain. I know I would get that happiness not by being in love with you but by getting over you. Maybe it was wrong for me to have loved you, but I don’t regret it. I’ve learned so much fro you. I now know that if the live one feels brings more pain than joy, it’s time to let go. Now I am.
I am trying hard to forget and not remember the feeling. I will cause I have to. I’ll set you free now though you’ve always been free; you’ve never belonged to me. I have to put back the pieces of my heart and start all over again. I’m getting over you but I won’t forget you. I loved you so much, I still do. Perhaps I always will, but I won’t let that love hurt me again, so now I’ll go.
Now my only wish is for her to love you even if it would not compare to the love I have for you. So now I open my heart and set free, the love that hurt me most. I love you so much, but I’m letting go, erasing your traces in my heart.
Soliloquy
Talking to myself as I lay in the darkness
Its serenity embracing me with utmost kindness
A dialogue intended to wake me from this dream
Save myself from love’s malevolent scheme
A war of words I wage only against myself and me
Hurtful as they are, it supposed to set me free
Pull myself out this fantasy world that I have created
In my mind, you and I exist, with a love that is fated
A conversation intended to convene heart and mind
Talk myself into letting go of something that would not bind
Talking like crazy when there is on one else but me
This is my own way of coping; I lay wide awake in soliloquy
June 4,2008
Remembering
The wind blew softly touching my cheeks and causing me to hug my knees closer to my chest. I am sitting on the of a rock, my rock, my refuge pretending to be as strong as it is no matter how violently the waves lapped at us, my rock and me. The sun had long set and the sky is now studded with start blinking down at me as I reminisce about you and our lost friendship.
In any other place I might have held back but here in my rock, in my own world, I can do whatever I want and even cry. I was already doing fine when the memories came flashing through like movie scenes in my head. I couldn’t help but miss the days of our wonderful friendship. I, never in my life, would have thought that it will end up like this. You have hurt me so much and there was nothing left for me to do but simply take back the friendship, since it’s only being taken for granted.
You have broken my heart once when I loved you and told me to just be your friend. Because love can never be forced it’s either there or it isn’t, in my part it was present, in yours it wasn’t. I settled for friendship not knowing that once again you’d break my heart. I don’t want to think that you have only made a fool out of me by playing the part of a friend that you never really were. I have just recuperated from the wounds of not having your heart and now here I am to nurse a broken heart caused by the death of our friendship. But I do not regret anything not even the pain. I loved you so much to ever regret anything. I will never forget that you were once a friend of mine. It hurts to lose your friendship and forgetting would only be like losing it all over again. So I’d keep the memories either whether good or bad for they are all the mementos I have left. And now sitting still on my rock I remember you and our lost friendship.
Sea Burial
I’ve always been fond of picturing myself in a secluded beach watching the sun go down from the horizon. In my mind I painted a vivid picture of myself etching the words, “I love you”, in the sand inside a heart shot by an arrow. In my mind nothing really mattered, not even the waves that wash them away. I have built so many castles made out of dreams that eventually the tide too would destroy, leaving only the ebbing of the tide and nothing more. But after the waves die down I repeat the process of writing and building the sandcastles all over again.
But finally I’ve grown tired of dreaming of myself writing the words of endearment on the golden sand. I’ve grown tired of building sandcastles of dream, knowing that those dreams would never come true. And like dreaming I’ve grown tired or loving him and feeling the pain in doing so. I’ve finally decided to just let the waves carry all my love away for him along with my dreams and let it just drown in the sea to die. And I will throw the fragments of what my heart used to be where it should belong… together with my love for him that has died beneath the abyss, never to come back again. And like my heart my love for him will be forever dead laying in the coffin of a vast blue sea.
Don’t Let Me Let Go
I know it isn’t right to long for you when I have promised him forever.
I know it isn’t right to hold you in my heart
Because I know in the end we will still be apart
I know that this may all be temporary
But I am willing to stay within this moment
As long as my heart can contain it
I wouldn’t stop myself from falling
This will not go on forever that much I know
But I want to stretch the time that we have ‘til there’s no more
You know in the end I wouldn’t want to regret not loving you
When I still had the chance
I’m not going to ask for anything since I don’t have the right
But as long as you want me beside you I will stay
Remember that even though he holds my heart
It doesn’t mean it beats for him
And all I ask is please don’t let me let go
I’m not that strong.
TIME TO LET GO
I have always believed that when you love someone so much,
when you give your everything, your all, it doesn't necessarily
mean you will always be loved in the same way. Probably that
is the reason why I don't have a hard time dealing with this
predicament I am in right now. This belief has made it
easier for me to go on living the life of loving someone and not
being loved adequately in return. But I never stopped loving,
even if it meant a broken heart, I never did. I never knew why,
maybe because deep within the chambers of my heart there is
still a flicker of hope shining that one day that someone would
love me too. No it's never easy falling in love with someone
who loves someone else, not to mention waiting for that someone
to love you too. That's why I told myself, I'd rather leave than wait
for him to love me too, because the longer I wait the more painful
it gets. So now, I will let go of the love because I have always
believed that "when you love someone so much, when you give
your everything, your all ... it doesn’t mean you will be loved in ]
return ... and when you are not and it already hurts... ...then it's time to let go.
The Play
Now I leave the center stage with a bow, the audience giving me a deafening applause, all of them on their feet. He has been the star of the play for along time now, star of the center stage, star of my heart. Only, I wasn’t the leading lady someone else has taken the part I wanted, some girl to whom he has given his heart to.
The curtain is about to fall with a tear in my eye I walk away from the stage, from you. I believe I played my part very well; I gave my everything, my all to, to both you and the play that I have nothing left for myself now that it is over.
So with one final bow I know it’s through. The lights are gone and so are you with your leading lady. The play has come to an end I can no longer pretend … Yes I love you and it hurts.